Why do we stay so long? This question has been frequently posed by readers of my recently published book ‘Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something’ (www.stairwellbooks.co.uk) 
I became single again at 40 and have written a blog series which addressed this question. I decided that there are ten main reasons why we remain, trapped and miserable, in dysfunctional and toxic relationships way beyond the point at which we should leave them. In situations of domestic abuse, we often remain there even longer.
Visit https://mariafrankland.co.uk/category/why-do-we-stay-for-so-long/ to view the rest of this blog series.
For the final part I will discuss ‘Reason 10’ – Jealousy at the Thought of ‘ex-partner’ in a new relationship.
Jealous feelings are a good barometer in which to measure when you’re separating as to whether you’re truly ready to leave your relationship. Many people who are at this stage secretly hope someone will take their abusive partner off their hands and just want a peaceful life, alone. If you are harbouring feelings like this then it’s a useful gut feeling to act on.
However in reality, the ‘green-eyed monster’ can be difficult to supress further down the line and you should ensure you’re ready for it.
For years, you’ll have experienced the backlash of the worst of your partner’s character traits and to imagine, hear or see about him/her displaying themselves at their ‘best’ (with their mask on) can be consuming.
For newly single parents, this effect becomes more profound if you have children together and imagine them all ‘playing happy families’ with your partner’s new love interest. Here are some ways to be ready to deal with it:
- Remember your old partner is wearing a mask for his/her new partner. They have not yet revealed their ‘real’ personality and the truth about their characters
- Abusive and controlling behaviours are difficult to change without serious commitment on the perpetrator’s part to look at them.
- Jealousy is an awful, destructive force, but there’s help out there (relate.org) to help you work with it and turn the emotional energy into something more positive that will benefit you.
- Your old partner has only ‘jumped’ into something new because they cannot handle being alone and forced to face up to themselves after separating or divorce. You, on the other hand, are stronger and will be ‘whole again’ before embarking on dating again after the breakup.
- You will be so busy with your brand new, exciting life that before long, you will be paying no attention whatsoever to what your ex is doing.
- And remember to visit all the reasons why you’re leaving/have left if feeling wobbly through jealousy at any point (maybe make a list!)
One of the advantages of relationship breakdown is the time and space you will have to invest in yourself, your hobbies, your career, your dreams and your appearance. We often without even trying, shed a few pounds and tone up following a break up – I called it ‘the divorce diet.’ So you know you’ll be looking your best and hopefully this will give you more confidence when dealing with your ex.
I hope my blog series has offered strength and hope to readers trying to cope after divorce and has helped them to realise they are not alone. There is so much help, advice and support out there, starting with family and friends. I am delighted to have just become involved with IDAS (Independent Domestic Abuse Service) based in Yorkshire to support their work. https://www.idas.org.uk/
I hope to be able to speak and read my poetry at forthcoming events they hold and shall be delivering empowering creative writing workshops to their service users. Additionally I am about to undertake the National Three Peaks Challenge (Ascending three mountainous mountains in less than 24 hours)
All monies raised are for IDAS so support the amazing work they do in supporting men and women who are trapped in situations of domestic abuse. If you would like to support me, please visit my JustGiving page: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/maria-stephenson9