Here is Part Six of my blog series, ‘Why Stay for So Long?’ This question has been regularly asked of me by readers of my recently published book, ‘Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something’ (Stairwell Books) This installment deals with how we let fear of ‘loneliness’ prevent us from leaving relationships that trap us and make us unhappy.
One of the biggest fears we have about becoming single again is that of loneliness. It is this crippling fear that can prevent us from escaping relationships that either aren’t working or where domestic abuse is present. We are so scared of being alone that we stay with partners who aren’t good enough but whose company, somehow, seems preferable to our own after separating or divorcing.
This could partly be because we have been with a partner for so long, their presence is now part of our identity and existence. It could be that self esteem has been lowered to such a degree that being happy in our own company feels impossible and a controlling and verbally abusive partner may well have reinforced the belief that we will not be able to cope after divorce.
One reason a person keeps leaving and returning to a toxic relationship is that being alone becomes too much. Hours, days and weeks stretch out and the void of loneliness can threaten to consume us. Everything is unfamiliar and the freedom that seemed so peaceful now feels empty. This feeling of displacement is horrendous and its no wonder that it can soon become intolerable. This can be heightened if we are becoming a newly single parent, with evenings stretched out once children are in bed.
However there are ways to overcome it:
- Remember how lonely you were in the relationship. You can be with someone for years, living in the same house, yet feel like the loneliest person in the world. Waiting for someone to come home when they don’t really want to be there or hoping your ‘loved one’ will want to spend time with you when they don’t is soul destroying.
- Make a list of everything you want to do in the next five years (in my poetry book, I made my list into a poem ‘My Living Bucket List.’) Having goals and dreams to go after that can’t and won’t include your now ex-partner can be really liberating.
- Plan lots of little things to look forward to over the next month. Coffee with a friend. A new hairstyle. A pampering spa treatment. An outing.
- Make a list of all the positive things you have in your life. Better still, keep a ‘gratitude diary.’ Notice three good things that happen throughout each day and note them down. This habit will soon have you actively looking for positivity. These could be things such as a hug from someone, a sunny day, a phone call, etc.
- Above all remember that this phase will quickly pass. Very quickly. As each week passes, it will truly become easier and you will grow into your new life of peace and positivity.
- Get help. Lean on whoever you can. Get counselling. Talk to friends and family. Interact in relevant online support groups – there are many offering divorce advice. Listen to stories of survival – other people who’ve embraced and become happy on their own. (My book illustrates how this is inevitable)
- Remember how miserable and trapped you were in the former relationship. When you feel wistful, bring a negative memory to mind.
- If you’re still in the same home re-paint. If you look in the mirror and feel dowdy, change things. It’s amazing what effect new clothes or a lovely colour on the wall can make.
- Dating again after a breakup will seem like a long way away but taking all of the above into account will ensure that you will feel ready more quickly, that is if your don’t take the decision that you are having more fun on your own!
- Recall your life before you settled for your ex partner. You were your own person before your self esteem was eroded and you will be again.
- And lastly, visualise how you feel if you cave in and return to the relationship. Within weeks, the situation will have spiralled downwards again. You will wish you had stayed strong and taken the time to get used, once again, to your own company.
It is a little cliché but life really is far too swift and precious to waste time in a prolonged situation of sadness. A little adjustment to a new way of life now, albeit with the tug of loneliness, will make you strong in the long run. After the escape from the dark place you’ve been in, a period of transformation and finding yourself again is inevitable. But one day, in the near future, you will not look back.
Maria Stephenson
The views contained within this blog post are not designed to replace those of a counsellor or trained professional. Further support can be gained through contacting one of the following:
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
If you’re becoming single again at forty or are looking for a 40th birthday gift, this book might be what you’re looking for.
http://www.stairwellbooks.co.uk/html/bookshop.html#PoetryfortheNewlySingle40Something (Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something)