Why did you stay so long? has been a question frequently posed by readers of ‘Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something.’ Last week, I posted a list suggesting why people stay too long in unhappy, toxic relationships
Now, within my blog, I’m going address one item each week from that list. This week, I’m going to talk about self-esteem.
Our choice of a ‘life partner’ is one of the most important choices we can make. We share our lives, homes, hopes, dreams and much else besides with them. They get to know us inside out and have the power to affect us, and us them, whether that is positively or negatively. To ‘hand our heart’ over to the wrong person can ultimately make us very vulnerable.
Incidents and arguments might start out as being few and far between in the early stages of a relationship but if they progress over subsequent years, developing into verbal and mental abuse, we can start to believe what we’re regularly told. Insults like ‘frumpy,’ ‘overweight,’ ‘boring,’ ‘mental,’ ‘thick,’ etc, etc can become engrained within us.
Being ‘ignored’ or ‘abandoned’ can lead to self-blame and the opinion ‘that’s all we deserve.’ Add physical or sexual abuse to the mix and already low self-esteem can end up on the floor.
This sort of systematic domestic abuse occurs over time and we often don’t realise how affected we are until we are deeply entrenched within it. By this time, we are often isolated from family and friends and any strength we once had starts to melt away.
Of course, hindsight shows that the perpetrator of this treatment is the one with the emotional insecurities and for them to inflict them onto another gives them strength. Such relationships can be repaired if they are willing to address what is wrong within themselves. However, the truth is that such people rarely
change without a strategic intervention and even breaking up with him or her doesn’t change how they will always treat a partner.
The only thing that we can change is ourselves, and that often means removal from the name calling, the put downs and the isolation, hence walking away from the situation. It may mean being brave enough to admit what’s going on to family, friends and services that are there to help.
Self-esteem, with the right support, can be rebuilt. It can become stronger than it ever was before the relationship began. Being single again and coming back from the end of this sort of relationship will hopefully ensure we never allow another to have that kind of negative power over us again when we are ready to be dating again.
This blog post points to the fact that help is out there for everyone who needs it. Don’t be ashamed. It is not your fault. Reach out for the support you deserve. You can and will get through it and emerge stronger than ever. Google ‘domestic abuse’ and you will get access to all your local support services.
The statements contained within this post are the opinions on the writer and are not intended to replace any professional assistance or research.