One of the questions readers of ‘Poetry for the Newly Single Forty Something’ have asked is why stay so long? In response to this question, I created a list in a previous blog post that looked at the various reasons why someone might stay in a toxic and desperately unhappy relationship.
In my last blog post I talked about self esteem and how the wrong choice of partner can erode that, over time. This week’s post extends on that.
Part of an individual losing confidence in their looks, abilities and capabilities as an adult is a belief that they will not be wanted in the future by a potential romantic partner if they were to break up with him or her. This belief may initially be fuelled by the current partner and a person may have to endure comments such as
“Who’d want you?”
“You’ll never meet someone who loves you like I do.”
“You’re ‘lucky’ I stay with you.”
“No one else could put up with you.”
“You’ll never manage on your own.”
“You’re too fat, thick, ugly, stupid, mental, etc, etc.”
If we hear all this often enough, it becomes internalised. Furthermore, it compounds with our own realisation that all decent potential partners are spoken for, particularly when a certain age has been reached. Dating again after divorce is daunting enough without being held ransom to the aforementioned sort of negative put-downs.
None of the above are valid and I will address each point in turn.
Who’d want you? Make a list of all your talents and personal qualities. Go on. Do it now. Think of all the things others would say are wonderful about you. What are you good at? It could be about your personality, skills you possess or something you have achieved.
You’ll never meet someone who loves you like I do. No. They’re right when they say that. They may love you (in their own way) but love is something that should bring happiness not misery. Love should be freely given and not always under threat. You’ll meet someone one day who loves you far, far more and where their love is not conditional.
You’re ‘lucky’ I stay with you. They probably believe this, when really what your partner knows, deep down, is that they’re lucky you stay with them. This is insecurity speaking.
No one else could put up with you. Of course this is rubbish! A new romantic partner would not be ‘putting up with you.’ That should not be how it works. More that, they will love everything about you, even the flaws that everyone has.
You’ll never manage on your own. You did before and you will again. You take baby steps, make lists, go slowly, ask for help and support from friends, family and the agencies that exist to help. Course you’ll manage. You’re an intelligent, capable adult. You will not only manage, you’ll be empowered and you will excel.
You’re too fat, thick, ugly, stupid, mental, etc, etc. This links back to the first point in a way. You are a unique, experienced, courageous, beautiful person. You may not believe it now but you soon will. Look in the mirror. Give yourself a smile. Even better, give yourself a compliment. What is the best thing about you?
You may be told over and over that no one else will ever want you if you become single again but that’s said out of insecurity and fear. It’s a way of keeping you exactly where you are. Let that little voice inside you that tells you that your partner is talking rubbish get louder. Believe in yourself. Improve yourself. Get stronger. Break free.
Maria Stephenson. Author of ‘Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something’ (Stairwell Books)
