Why Did You Stay So Long? (Doubting you will survive alone)
Here’s part three of my series addressing the above question that has been asked by several readers of my new book ‘Poetry for the Newly Single Forty Something.’
There are many trapped people out there, searching for stories and examples of survival beyond their own toxic relationship. They need to know that other people have made it through and that they will too.
There are two main aspects to the survival I am referring to when becoming single again; financial and emotional. Both of those are ‘incremental,’ that is, the initial issues you need to overcome will eventually ease, however these will be replaced with other, more longer-term aspects that will need to be sorted out. For example, just finding safe, short-term accommodation might be an immediate issue but then finding a long-term home will become important later on.
Eventually you will have a handle on both the immediate and longer-term issues and realise you are going to be totally ok. Firstly, we will look at surviving a break up, financially.
In toxic and abusive relationships, there is often a financial imbalance. Either you will have very little control over finances or you will have the lion’s share of the control and may have assumed a ‘caretaking’ role with your partner.
Therefore you may be either having to completely start again when you become newly single or you may be carrying misplaced ‘guilt’ over relinquishing that ‘caretaking’ role. There are huge amounts of help and support available though through specialist agencies.
One way of dealing with your situation is to make a list of every issue that will need addressing, accompanied with details of steps to take. Then just plod through it methodically.
Gas – give meter reading and date of becoming single
Electric – ask for payment plan. Look at ways of reducing bill. Get smart meter fitted.
Tax Credits – check getting all entitled to, etc, etc.
The Citizen’s Advice Bureau can help with all this and there are other agencies set up to provide practical support. Relate, Gingerbread, Women’s Aid and many more. I would suggest that the best way to tackle everything you are faced with is not to be overwhelmed with trying to sort everything out all at once but prioritise and do things bit by bit. Also, take all the help that is out there.
You can and will get through it and will feel hugely empowered when you look back and realise that you managed to overcome all the hurdles to get to where you will be.
The other, more complex aspect of survival, is the emotional impact you will have to face. This cannot really be broken down into a list and dealt with systematically.
As well as coping with your own emotions and the bereavement process associated with the break-up of a long term relationship, you may also be coping with the emotional needs of your children and more than likely, acrimony from your ex and maybe their family too.
It’s vital, through this, that you immediately reach out to people as soon as you become single again. Friends and family won’t want you to shut yourself away and there are many supportive organisations where counselling as well as practical help can be gained. You never have to be alone – there’s so much empathy and support out there on social media in various groups and forums set up to give and receive support and share experiences of survival and dating again.
I survived being newly single at forty through writing poetry (which I’ve now put together as a book – ‘Poetry for the Newly Single 40 Something’ – www.stairwellbooks.co.uk As a writer, keeping a diary also helped and writing letters that would never be sent!
If you’re not a writer, there’s painting, crafty stuff, music or taking things out on a punchbag in the gym! Walking for miles will help to keep your head clear or reading will provide a bit of distraction. All stuff that will aid a quicker emotional recovery.
So, to summarise, many people stay in desperately unhappy relational situations simply because they doubt their individual emotional and financial survival. There is no denying that things will need addressing and it is really hard to start with. But anything worth doing is difficult at first.
It is acknowledged that the bit of advice offered in this blog post will only really ‘scratch the surface’ of a situation and may not work for everybody. But however you choose to get through it, you really can. Not only will you survive but as my book analogises, you will go from Caterpillar to Chrysalis and then to living as a Butterfly.
